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I miss homeschooling my children. I miss my children. It seems like it would be a very easy thing for me to do, just bring them back home. I've thought about it. It wouldn't be that incredibly difficult for three of them. My high schooler is in marching band and my third child is very social. The other ones wouldn't be that big of a deal to them to bring them home.

But then there's me.

Set aside that there is probably something medically wrong with me that, hopefully, will show up somewhere in the 14 viles of blood they drew and the MRI I have in July. More than likely they'll discover that my thyroid is worthless and put me on hormones and that will make me feel like the old me again. Maybe that's all I need. I'm just not sure about me anymore. I haven't felt myself in a few years now. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom with lots of children that I homeschooled. I was happy that way.

Then I started not to feel right. I had the occasional bad day. But now I feel like most of them are bad days. I feel unsettled. I use to enjoy keeping the house and being with my children. Now I drop them off in the morning and come home to hide in my room.

I don't like leaving my house. Yet I don't like staying here either.

I'm like a ship tossed about in a raging sea.

And it's not depression. I'm not sad. I just can't keep up the energy to complete anything. I make plans and I'm energetic for days and weeks. Then ZAP! I'm a Post Toastie. I feel run down, I hardly eat yet gain lots of weight, and the headaches are horrible. I'm hot, I'm cold. I get through the day on sheer will.

Then there are all the women out there telling me to go enjoy my time while the kids are at school. Well, I can't. My children should be with me. But at the same time, I'm glad to drop them off. I'm told to get a job, go to school, but all I want is to be able to be the Mom I was five years ago. I just don't know where she went. I'd like to find her again. She felt her life had purpose and meaning.

This woman I am now feels like a stranger.

Peace Out,

~*~*~Krystal~*~*~