Extreme Measures

Normally, I would NEVER recommend this BUT ...

Let's just say that you have this stash of chocolate that you keep in a bag on a shelf in your office. We'll say it's a mix of Hershey Kisses, Peanut Butter Cups, and Hershey Miniatures. And you have two small dogs ... like a toy poodle and a chiuaua ... and they find this stash and eat ... oh ... about a pound of chocolate between the two of them.

And let's that they then get sick and barf all over your light colored carpet.

The ONLY way to get chocolate dog barf out of said carpet is with all purpose cleaner with bleach and a carpet cleaner. You have to spray with cleaner, watch the chocolate bleach out (it's really quick), then pour a glass of water over it to dilute it. Then you suck it up with the carpet cleaner, go over it a few more times with carpet cleaning solution.

And find a better spot for what's left of your stash...

Peace Out,

~*~*~Krystal~*~*~

We're On Vacation

So, here we are in sunny S. Florida. I'm sure I'll be ready to go home in just a couple more days. Why? They say you can never "go home". While I haven't considered this place my home for YEARS, I was raised here.

And uncontrolled growth has destroyed it!

There has been so much building on the beach that you can no longer see the water from the road. There are a few side streets to go down to get to the beach, but the PUBLIC parking is $15. I remember a time in high school when we had meters, but the parking was free after 6:00 pm. We use to come down to the beach and hang out. The snow birds, who bought condos on the beach to live in 5 months a year, complained about the people on the beach at night, so they said no parking after 11:00.

We simply parked somewhere else and walked over. But now there's nowhere else to park. Even the restaurants CHARGE for parking in their lot EVEN IF YOU'RE EATING THERE! The local government has allowed so much growth without consideration of hte people who truly own the beach, that the taxpayers rarely get to enjoy. The locals now have to drive miles in either direction to a different city to enjoy what nature gave them for free. So much for the beach belonging to the public, eh?

On the local news is a man with a rooster named Mr. Clucky. Mr. Clucky is kept in a cage covered with quilts until 7:00 so he doesn't crow in the middle of the night. Someone complained about the rooster riding around on the owner's bicycle saying that this man may have other farm animals in his apartment.

I ask you this, what is the difference between a chicken and a parrot or a cockatoo? SERIOUSLY? I've lived next to people with both and I own about 40 chickens. Guarantee you, that parrots and cockatoos create as much noise if not MORE noise than a single chicken. Plus parrots and cockatoos are VERY dirty!!! We have finches in a cage that make a huge mess. One rooster doesn't make any more. I know that first hand. So this man has to go to court to fight to keep his rooster. WHY? Because it's not a parrot. It's the same size as an exotic bird, but it's not "exotic".

And that is stupid!

I could understand a pig or a donkey in his apartment (for size if nothing else), but dogs and cats are farm animals as well. So are rabbits. Lots of people keep rabbits too.

This is partly why we left this place, and I can pretty much assure you that once we leave after this vacation, I have no intention of coming back.


Missing my farm and good people,

~*~*~Krystal~*~*~

Return of the Cat

Our cat has returned. She's been missing for two weeks and we thought her for dead.

She's pregnant instead.


Peace Out,

~*~*~Krystal~*~*~

Friday Fragments One Day Late

Sorry this is late. My husband dominated the computer when we got home last night. This week's fragments will be told in picture with as few words as necessary.

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I start with my first blog award EVER. I won this for my Friday Fragment of Dec 19 and my escapade in chicken cleaning and dressing. Thank-you, I'm really excited! LOL!
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Plucky fit in my hand and use to sit there while I just petted and stroked him. He was killed, along with five other birds, when a couple coyotes attacked on January 1st. Plucky was was of three bodies we found. He was the only one buried. I'll really miss him. He was my favorite.

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Some of today's eggs. Yes, the first one is green.

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Homemade soap. This is cinnamon. This soap takes 2 weeks to cure.

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Firecrackers and bottle rockets work well in the snow.

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My only New Year's resolution, learn to be still.

Peace Out,

~*~*~Krystal~*~*~

Courage the Cowardly Dog

Yes. We named our dog wrong. She should have been named Courage. Not just because the fireworks freaked her out last night and tonight, but because she was SO freaked out that she opened the front door, ran in the house wetting herself (and my floor).

She weighs about 75 pounds.

I grabbed her collar as she was trying to run up the stairs (carpet...!) and tried to drag her outside.

She peed on the floor again.

Hey, I dealt with the jumping through the screen to get on the back porch out of fear of thunder and lightning (she has a two car carport...why MUST it be the screened porch with my nice wicker furniture?). But the whole peeing all over my house because of fireworks ain't gonna cut it.

So I somehow managed to dragged her shedding cowardly rear back outside where she's lived her ENTIRE life and locked the front door. There is pee all over the front porch.

I would appreciate it, you stupid redneck hick who likes to set off fireworks when WE'VE HAD NO RAIN AND EVERYTHING IS DRY, if you would stop with the fireworks already. It's July 5th. Two nights of pissing dog is one night too many.

You stupid backwoods redneck hick who doesn't understand that we live in the middle of the woods and trees do things...LIKE BURN!

Wake-Up Smell

I wake up this morning to this HIDEOUS smell. My daughter hadn't been able to go BM for a couple days and I thought that MAN she'd finally gone and she backed up the septic tank!

I get out of bed and I check my bathroom, but it's empty and not smelly. So I go check the other bathroom, same thing. My daughter is sitting on the sofa watching TV. So I go back into my room and the smell had subsided some but it was still pretty dang rancid. That was when my dog came out from under the bed.

Now I knew my dog had been having a problem with gas and all, but for him to let one rip that woke me up out of a hard sleep is just...pitiful.

How many people do YOU know have been woken up by dog fart?!

He'll be sleeping on the porch if he does it again.

Just to catch everyone up...

Bear arrived Friday at noon. It's been non-stop ever since! The airport is 2 1/2 hours away, so we got back to town to pick up the kids from school. We finished packing the eldest and dropped of his luggage at 5:15. Then it was off to Family Fun Night at the local pizza game place. Home at 8:30, bed at 9:00 (I finally got some...YEAH).

Up early Saturday to head on over to the church to start set up for Tater Day Monday. Left at 12:45, picked up our eldest from the house and dropped him off at the school at 1:45 to leave for the trip. Bear and I spent a little over an hour walking up and down the streets enjoying Bear's first Tater Day (AKA Redneck Mardis Gras). Bear was somewhat shocked that people like this exist in real life and not just on sitcoms.

Back to the house at 4:00 to start cooking for BATMAN and DAWN and their family. I made homemade baked beans, fried chicken (LOTS of fried chicken), mashed potatoes, gravy and corn bread. They called at 5:00, the main road to the house was flooded so I went to pick them up and bring 'em on over via the backroads. I made sure to wear my cowboy hat with the feather in it. We had a great time! Can't wait to see them again. Dawn is really sweet and I wish that we didn't live an hour apart.

OH! Batman FINALLY asked the BIG question! Wedding in July...! :)

This morning was church and then off to the fair grounds for rides gallore. I'm having to accept my age as I nearly blew chunk. Guess my stomach isn't what is use to be (either that or it was the Zebra Cake after the Doritos, after the mashed potatoes, after the hot dog, after the cold fried chicken leg after the first Zebra Cake all of which I ate before we left...I missed breakfast...I was STARVING). The kids won several stuffed animals, a goldfish, and a rabbit. The official animal count at our little ol' farm is as follows:

3 dogs
3 cats (one's pregnant)
3 goats
15 grown chickens
29 chicks
13 ducklings
a hamster
a rabbit
and a goldfish

WHEW!!!

We just got home about thirty minutes ago. I'm going to finish up here what I need to do for the parade tomorrow. We have to be at the church at 8:00 in the morning and will be there until 2:00. Bear flies out Tuesday, we leave for the airport at 3:00.

I'm so grateful that it's Spring Break! I'm going to spend Wednesday in bed...ALL DAY LONG! I think I'll deserve it.

Gilligan's New Pets

You really need to have your speakers on to get the full effect.

I Love Chickens!

I'm going to build a few of these. I need one for each breed of chicken that I have so I can have pure-breed chicks. Isn't it adorable?! I found it at MyPetChicken.com. They sell chicken diapers. No joke...

I'd like to introduce Tinkerbelle.

I named her that because of the way her ears flop. They make me think of fairy wings. Plus she has a bit of yellow in her fur. It reminded me of pixie dust.

Here she is with her Ma-ma. They have the exact same coloring, even down to the grey on her front knees. The shape of her face though is like her Daddy's.

I think that it is the most beautiful thing watching a mother feed her baby. When I see something as amazing as this I just can't understand how people can believe that these things came to be through a freak accident that happened in the vast universe. There HAS to be a Creator to design something as intricate as pregnancy and motherhood!!!

Here is the proud Pa-pa. It's a corn cob he's chewed all the corn off of. Just seeing him with it in his mouth like that was reminiscent of a new Dad smoking a cigar. Made me laugh!

THIS JUST IN!!

Ashlee Simpson's boyfriend says he wish he were gay...and I don't mean happy.

Now, just what does that say about Ashlee Simpson...

Thought that Batman might like the first picture here. The second picture is seriously disturbing, but THIS ONE made me laugh out loud. Truly original. Gross, but original.

Happy News!!!

I found a new baby! I rescued him from the county shelter. He's half-starved, but just needs a bunch of love and good attention (and nuetering). He's so sweet!!

Thank-you all so much for your kind words after the deaths of our two dogs a few weeks back. It really helped.

Good News For My Penis & 7 Things About Me

I received the following email this morning:

hey baby
dont give up,
you still have time to enlarge your penis size
http://ezeyjob.com/

Meric Digges

Why thank-you, Meric! The size of my penis has been keeping me up at night. WAIT! I don't HAVE a penis...

Am I the only one who has wondered just how McDonald's manages to make eggs that truly have
No.
Flavor.
At.
All?

Seriously, how do they DO that? You take a bite, chew it, move your tongue around in it...nothing. No flavor. I began to wonder if it was just that I was use to eggs with some pepper and cheese in them. So I scrambled a plain, store bought egg. It had flavor. McDonald's, I'm stupified...mystified...confused...

Last night the retriever was barking non-stop. I was about to take her mouth shut with packing tape until Bear suggested that I give her a Tylenol P.M.

All out...BUT I did find one last Benedryl. Benedryl causes sleepiness as well. So I take the last Benedryl, wrap it in a piece of cheese, and go outside to drug the dog. She jumped up, hit my hand, and knocked the Benedryl out of the cheese. I saw the little pink pill on the ground, but when I reached for it she thought I was going to pet her. She wagged her tail. Her tail hit the little pink pill. The little pink pill went flying into the bushes.

I bought more Tylenol P.M. this morning.

Now spare my the lectures on how I shouldn't drug my dog. She wakes me up at least three times a night with her incessant barking. RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. She barks at the raccoons and possums and any other creature that comes out at night. And she barks for 30-45 minutes at a time.

And drugging her on occasion is a lot more humane than taping her jowls shut with packing tape or shooting her in the ass.

I bought a donut today at the store. I dropped it on the pavement before even getting one bite. That sucked.

Seven Things About Myself

1. I wear sandals even in the winter...when there is snow on the ground. I'll go out in a heavy coat and scarf and then have sandals on my feet. Sometimes my toes turn this odd pinkish-red color because they're so cold. Sometimes I loose feeling in my toes because they are so cold. Then they start to hurt when they warm up. On occasion I put socks on before I put my sandals on. It looks really stupid, but it's comfortable and my toes don't get frostbite.

Here are some pictures:



2. I had two surgeries months apart in high school. They left me with two diagonal scars that end in the muff. They look like an arrow pointing the way for a lost penis. **Note...Bear's penis knows the way well...***

3. I once had a sex dream about John Luc Piccard. Yeah...from Star Trek. Shut up!

4. While Pobble hates hand dryers in the bathroom, I don't mind them. I prefer them...BUT I still get upset when there are no paper towels as well. I have this "thing" about bathroom door handles. I refuse to touch them. So if there is a hand dryer and no towels I'll get a huge wad of toilet paper to open the door with. I also won't touch the handle on paper towel dispensers after I've washed my hands. I ALWAYS pump it a few times ahead of time so I can just pull it off when I'm finished. I once got angry with a woman who stole my towel.

5. I won't shake hands with people in church during the greet time because I can't stop thinking about who did or didn't wash their hands with soap in warm water for the proper amount of time after their last bathroom visit. (I sing the alphabet song twice, rinsing and resoaping before the second go around.)

6. I checked out my vajayjay once with a mirror because I was curious. I was 35.

7. Sometimes when I listen to hip hop, I choreograph cheerleading routines in my head. Again...shut the hell up!

A few revelations...and it's not even noon...

The girl child is definately mine. Who else would take a box of markers and colored pencils, seperate them, and then arrange them so neatly?

The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have had to seperate the two different KINDS of markers. And yes, there are some markers underneath the pencils. Evidently the markers go on the bottom row.

This is what one of the dogs left for me in the living room. I have to say that in all my years as a dog owner I have NEVER seen dog crap ... well ... upright before ...

It sorta looks like I'm being flipped off. Think this is my dog's way of telling me to screw off?!